Wait on Me

(Originally Written: 2015)

I used to be Nonstop.  Productive.  Energetic.

I used to tackle my checklist and feel accomplished at the end of a busy day.

I used to get it done, knew my priorities, and felt like I was on the right path.

Pain changes confidence.  Pain rips at the heart of “priority”.  And there has been a lot of pain.  It has changed me.  I want to be done with it.  I want to go back to strong and competent and productive.

Now, I can’t.  Fatigue and chronic illness knocks me down every day.

And the Lord says, Wait.

Wait?  Lord, Wait?  For what?  I don’t want to wait!

I have waited on Him.  Again and again.  It has been a long decade of waiting.

Through rejection, disappointment, confusion, and the dark clouds of depression.

Through shock, loss, grief, fear, anxiety, and disillusionment.

Through aggravation, frustration, anger, and a broken, crushed, devastated heart.

Through things I never thought I’d face, never dreamed I’d be able to endure.

Through wondering “why?” and wondering “how?” and wondering “when?”

When “A” plus “B” didn’t come anywhere close to equaling “C”. . . .

And now, He asks me to wait for physical healing.

Haven’t I waited enough? 

And gently He says: When you surrendered to waiting on Me before, what happened?

Oh.  (Breathe)  Yeah.

You. 

I experienced You.

Not the You I wanted.  Not the You I was asking (demanding) that You be.

I came to know You.  You held me, taught me, touched me, counseled me.

And against the odds, against reason, and sanity . . .

You gave me what I needed.

You gave Peace that passes understanding.

You calmed me down, opened my eyes, gave me a new perspective.

You taught me gratitude – for the little things.

You restored my soul. 

You healed and comforted and encouraged and blessed, even when the circumstances had not changed, You were there.  And You were all I wanted.  And You were all I needed.

And in spite of me, and my inability to get my arms around what You were doing, and my complete inadequacy to fix anything . . . You let Your Light shine. 

Yes.  You have asked me to wait.  A lot.

Because I have a stubborn spirit and a prideful soul.

You call me to sit still, because the busy distractions of life only make me think I can make life happen without You.

It’s uncomfortable, again.  It’s against my nature, again. 

To rest is fine for a little while, but this long?  I’m sick of resting!

But my body can do very little else.  And you say, Wait on Me.

So I let go – again.

Of my right to achieve, to accomplish, to be productive, to be admired.

I let go, again.

Of my pride, my right to self pity, my need to retreat to a dark place because I’m not getting my way.

And I sit with You.  Remembering. 

Remembering all the moments You have sat with me before, and whispered that You loved me, and filled me with Hope, and gave me purpose once again.

I remember rising from the ashes and knowing – that deep knowing – that it was all because of You.  Resurrection is Your gift to give. 

“Thy lovingkindness is better than life.”  Psalm 63:3

“His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning.  Great is Your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23

Funny how forgetful I am.  Prayers answered.  Your Light bursting through the darkness again and again, and I forget.  But even when I am faithless, you are faithful, for You cannot deny Yourself.  2 Timothy 2:13

So the choice remains today, as every day: Will I praise You, even when I don’t get my way?  Will I keep seeking Your face?  Will I cling to Your promises?

Or will I wallow in defeat, surrender to despair, demand that You fix things my way?

I choose You.

I choose Life.

I choose Peace, Hope, Truth, and Your Presence.

Even if.  Even if I don’t feel better.  Even if I can’t do “my list”. 

For without You, I am nothing.  I cannot survive.  I cannot make sense of a single moment or obey Your call . . . even the call to rest. 

And You will not disappoint. Because You never do.

Come, my Fathful Friend and Savior, come.

I will wait on You.