Between
(Originally Written: 2016)
So often I have found myself Between.
Between the hope and the reality.
Between the life I want and the life I have.
Between the sermon and the application.
Between the vision and the implementation
Between the intention and the action
Between the question and the answer
Between the child and the adult
Between the revelation and the understanding
Between the knowledge and the ability
Between the old and the new
Between the creative and the practical
Between the pain and the healing
Between the tension and the rest
Between the known and the unknown
Between starting and finishing
Between do and don’t
Between yes and no
Between I need you and I love you
Between holding on and letting go
Between disappointment and resentment
Between knowing how and knowing why
Between clear purpose and what now?
Between firm identity and who am I?
Between living and doing life
Between joy and sorrow
Between obligation and loving service
Between deep and shallow
Between abundance and lack
Between motivation and apathy
Between the big picture and the details
Between wisdom and arrogance
Between what has been and what will be
Between health and sickness
Between loss and gain
I have been here before. So many times.
I can appreciate what is behind me, and hope for what is ahead, but the right now is a mystery. And I hate mysteries.
The unexpected comes barreling out of nowhere, hands me a bucket of challenges to deal with and decisions to make, and I’m paralyzed by the responsibility of it all.
My body and my mind are in two different places, one pushing me forward, one holding me back.
I get stuck, absolutely sure that In Between is my destiny; that the answers will never come; the problems will never be solved; the trial will never be over; the healing will never be realized; the hope will never come to pass.
And I’m in the dark. I’ve turned my face away.
And I realize I’m waiting for something that will never come.
I will never be the god of my destiny.
I will never be in control of my circumstances.
I will never be able to dictate the challenges that come my way.
I will never be able to fix the people who aren’t acting the way I want
I will never be able to remove the heartache and pain of a broken world
He is God. I am not.
I can hate Between. I can resent it, pushing and longing and restlessly full of discontent demanding to get my way – to get “there” – wherever I think that is.
I can assume that this Between place is a curse, without any purpose, just a place to get through, endure, curl up and wait for it to be over.
I can look around me and see what I think are people happy and full of purpose and envy their escape from Between.
I can be full of self pity for all I thought would be that isn’t, and sorrow for all I think I have lost.
I can turn inward and have all my thoughts start with “I” . . . I want, I need, I should be able to . . .
Or.
I can remember the cross
Where He hung Between . . . Between heaven and hell, between light and darkness, between love and hate, between God and me . . . He covered the gap Between. He made sense of the Between. He is with me in the In Between.
And suddenly it isn’t Between.
It is Here.
And Here is where I want to be
I can remember the Garden. (Luke 22:39-44)
I can remember a God who knelt and surrendered His Life for mine, in bloody tears and full awareness of what was coming – the horrible price He would have to pay for me.
He Who laid His heart bare, honest, and vulnerable and said,
Even if the worst happens, I will obey. I will give. For the ones I love. I will give it all. (John 17)
I will let them take Me, torture Me, wound Me, mock Me, batter Me, impale Me, slaughter Me . . . without resistance, without anger, full of forgiveness and perfect submission . . . I will let My blood flow.
Because it isn’t about Me. It’s about them. And I love them. And they will be lost without Me. So I will put them first. I will do what is best. I will obey My Father. I will be separated from Him. I will look ahead to the Glorious Resurrection and follow through for the salvation of all.
And this weary child’s heart is laid bare.
And nothing I’ve been thinking and feeling about my World of Between has any significance any more.
My first world problems, my disappointments, my shallow perspective on what life is all about –
My discontentment over these bumps in the road is not justified. It is not fruitful. It is not helpful.
I look back and see His faithful hand again and again and again.
And it is more than enough for a lifetime of praise and thanksgiving!
My frustrations wane in the Light of His Glory, the answered prayers, His Presence, His gifts of wisdom and encouragement, the ever powerful Truth of His Word.
He has never failed me or forsaken me. (Hebrews 13:5-6)
Wherever He has placed me has been for His glory and my good. (Romans 8:28)
And He has done miracles that have literally opened the heavens and flooded our family with Light and Life. (John 8:12)
My memory is so short. I forget so quickly.
I look at one season and make the assumption that I have the right to be disappointed simply because I can’t see what is next, or fear that it won’t be what I want.
But if I look back and remember, remember, remember . . .
He is Everywhere, working all things together, in control, loving me, teaching me, growing me – and I am His and He is mine. (John 8:31)
And what is next, even if I can’t control it or understand it or grasp it – whatever it is, is good.
And suddenly it isn’t Between.
It is Here.
And Here is where I want to be
Walking with my Savior, one day at a time, in anticipation of what He will do next.
Waiting on Him, keeping my eyes on Him, knowing that – whether I like it or not, whether it is comfortable or not, whether it feels right or not – it will be okay.
Because He has me in the palm of His hand.
Surrendering. Being okay with His plan. Saying Yes to whatever He is doing.
Knowing it ends in Resurrection. Old becomes New. The Light shines and overcomes the Darkness. And nothing is too difficult for Him. (2 Cor. 5:17, Jer. 32:17)
And this moment is flooded with His glory, and I am in the middle of His plan, no matter how I feel about it. And I realize my feelings have been given a power they don’t deserve. They aren’t capable of telling me the Truth, and they never have been.
I may feel In Between. But I’m really solidly planted right where I am supposed to be. The Rock of My Salvation under my feet, the King of Glory hearing my prayers, the Hope of the Ages bringing eternal grace to little, insignificant, inconsistent, unfaithful me.